Seriously?? It's good I love him!

I haven't had much to write about lately.  I haven't felt very well the last few days and really haven't had much ambition to do anything besides the bare necessities.   But today, Justin has really given me material....and if I didn't love him so much, I guarantee he'd be in the lake behind my house....with a cinder block tied to his ankle.  (note: I can say this because he always says one day he may do it to me!) haha...I just told him this as he annoyed me again while I'm writing and he says, "Honey, my ankle with the metal in it? That's mean!"  So let me clarify, I will tie the cinder block to the other ankle, if it ever comes to it.


Let's begin with the morning....
The alarm goes off continually.  Now really, I shouldn't bitch because I am quickly awakened by it, then I just roll over and go back to bed.  But this morning, I couldn't take it.  He just wouldn't shut the damn thing off and he has the LOUDEST alarm clock ever made.  Plus it's on my side of the bed, so I'm closer. 


Bang, bang, bang...I continually hit the buttons at the top because I don't know where the snooze button is...and I just want it to stop making that hideous noise.  (Also, I thought everybody used cell phones as their alarm clock now anyway!)  Finally, it stops.  Peace at last.  And I drift back to sleep.  I'm sleeping for what seems like 5 minutes (and is really over an hour) when I hear Justin jump up yelling, "Honey, shit, I'm late!  Please get up and help me! I'm late."  


I jump up, confused.  Help you? What do you want me to do, dress you? (He is not at all a morning person, so everything is pretty much ready for him to quickly go!)   I'm awake, but bleary eyed...being that I don't sleep at night, I've only slept about 1-2 hours when his alarm goes off.  And off to "help" I go.  I put on the coffee, pour his juice, set out his vitamins & 2 Motrin (which are right above the coffee pot mind you), and put his phone, keys, cigarettes, and lunch all in one neat place. Lastly, I "stirred" his coffee as requested. Back to bed I go.   


But that's not good enough.  He insists I stay away until he leaves...and continually tell him where everything is, even though it's all clearly in one spot that is right in front of him.  He scurries around, making jokes, and being goofy....I'm pretty sure he was just trying to keep me up as long as possible.  Finally he leaves.  This whole process took about 16 minutes.  


Back to bed I go...
And I lay there.  Tossing & turning.  I'm wide awake.  My eyes are burning from exhaustion and my stomach is doing this flip flop thing that I'm not enjoying one bit.  Sometime around noon, I take a small nap for about an 2 hours.  Yay.

I wake up and try to be productive, run some errands, etc.  But I am not feeling well and I'm trying to find the correct way to puke while driving down the road and be graceful doing it.  Is there one??  I'm pretty sure I need to know what it is.


Sometime around 5pm I realize I haven't heard from him all day, which is unusual.  I call.  I get voicemail.  I text.  No response.  By 6:30 I'm a little worried because he should be done working by now and it's odd that he hasn't been in touch all day.  I send the "I'm worried text," call again, and get no response.  I think this was mostly because I wasn't feeling well as it is, but I start to think of all the bad things that could have happened, etc.  He finally calls and says he's on his way home.  I mention that maybe he should check his text message.  JERK! 


In he walks, asking if I feel better, which I do not.  I mention that I bought him some drumsticks that he wanted, and also got hamburg.  Being that I don't feel well, nothing sounds good to me, so I tell him to choose.  He says he wants a burger and drumsticks.  Really?? One isn't good enough?  


Uh Oh...I run to the bathroom again...I'm not feeling so well....and I hear him from the living room, clearly oblivious as to what is happening....
"Honey, can you get everything ready for me to grill while you are up?"


Yea, sure...let me get a bucket to put on the counter next to me (just in case) and I will get right to making dinner. 


I suggest we only have burgers (which I am daring to consider eating), because I have perfectly enough hamburg for 3 burgers.  Maybe the chicken tomorrow instead?  This way I don't have 1 burger left over....what the hell will I do with one single burger?


"But I really want chicken too," he whines.  Fine.  Whatever.  I just want to lay down, so whatever.  I make 2 burgers, put one away, and have the chicken in my hand.


 "Honey, forget it, I don't have enough charcoal.  Just make the burgers."  
Away goes the chicken, out comes the hamburg again.  And I start making the last burger. 
"Actually, honey, I will just use the gas grill.  I will have the chicken.  So just one burger & 2 drumsticks." 
Seriously? I'm laughing by this point, because he doesn't even realize that's he's annoying the living hell out of me and I do not feel well at all.  He's smiling and happy, so I have to be smiling too because he's cute.  


As I give him the meat to put on the grill, he gives me 20 questions about my seasoning.  Did I put the right stuff in?  Is there enough?  Did I use the dry rub he likes?  I tell him everything is perfect, and come to sit down and write.  


But every time I sit...it's something else.
"Honey, the buns aren't ready".....I open the bag, pull out 2, and hand them to him.  The buns are ready. 
I sit.
"Honey, can you slice some onions"  I slice some onions.  Then sit.  Again.
"Honey, what are we having as a side?"  I suggest macaroni salad I made, chips, pickles, whatever.  And try to write again.
"Honey, do we have any baked beans left?"  I get up. Look in the cabinet, yes, we do.  I grab the can, and reach for a pan.  
"Actually, forget it.  I don't want them." 


ARE YOU SERIOUS?????????????   I want to scream, but don't.  I simply ask if there is anything else, since I'm UP...AGAIN....and every time I sit, he wants something.  


In he walks, "Honey, here's your burger.  And it's perfect.  So put that in your damn blog!"  Don't you worry honey....I will....and everything leading up to it. 


But the burger was good....or at least the 4 bites I had were.....


And now he's eating.  Happy.  And quiet.  Smiling like a little kid looking at me and I can't be annoyed with him anymore.  But I am buying a cinder block.

Here fishy, fishy

Justin loves fishing.  He like really loves fishing.  He got me a little fishing outfit that I was supposed to wear when we went ice fishing with boots and everything.  But as you know, the winter wasn't cold enough and our lake didn't freeze.  Score for me, because honestly, I wasn't looking forward to sitting outside in the freezing cold waiting for a fish.  I prefer going to Hannaford if I want fish!

But being that he loves it so much, I figured the least I could do was try it out.  And try I did!  I learned so quickly! I was so proud of myself I even made a video of me casting.  Yea, I used a fishing term right there.  Casting.  heheh..I'm a fisher-woman.  

You can view my incredibly cheesy tutorial here. You too can become a fisher-woman!  I'm a famous movie star too now.  

But I was very discouraged after my first fishing expedition because I didn't catch a fish.  I swore there were no fish in my damn lake.  And it was boring.  Especially when there aren't fish even biting. I mean, it's nice & peaceful and what not....but well, what the hell is the point?

But again, I'm a good girlfriend, and I was determined to get a damn fish, so I tried again yesterday.    And so it begins....cool, casual... fisher-woman Loriann:

Justin tried to find me worms, and only found one (fail).  But I tossed that bad boy in the water....and something BIT!  I was so excited I started yelling and screaming, not sure what to do!  Justin was off searching for worms so I was lost!  Fending for myself trying to get the fish...alone...

Now I understand you are probably sitting there, reading this, saying "dumbass, reel it in."  Well, let me tell you, it's stressful your first time!!  I was out of my element and overwhelmed!  But I did reel it in.  And then it got all easy on me, and out comes my hook....WITH NO WORM!  The little fucker ATE my worm, and still got away.  I'm a total fishing failure.  I have no more worms.

So I decided to use a fake worm because I felt that it was working for me.  This become a mission because the little fucker took my worm.  He laughed in my face!  I was NOT going to allow that.  And I cast it, over and over again. B O R I N G

Suddenly I feel it....the pole gets tight and sort of pulls away.  This time, Justin is right there, and I'm yelling "What do I do!!!???"  He's obviously telling me to just reel it in quickly, and he's honestly kind of blowing me off..."It's just a leaf or branch honey,"  he keeps saying.  (His lack of faith in me was upsetting!)

But it was wasn't...oh no...it was a real fish!  And not a bad sized fish for my first one!  I screamed the entire time I reeled it in.  I kept backing up.....I'm not sure why, but by time I got him out of the water I was about 15 feet away from the water.  Honestly, I think I was scared of it touching me!  I sure as hell wasn't touching the thing!  (Note: it hadn't crossed my mind that I would have to get the damn thing off the hook if I did catch one! I'm still not comfortable doing that...and I will not do it!)

So here's my posing with my pickeral (I have no idea how to spell this)....sexy :-)

And here's my very first fish up close!

So the point....yea little fishy, you may have taken my worm.  But I WON!  I got you!!!  And I was nice enough to send you back to your land.  But first I violated you...I touched you (ok, he did), I looked at your big teeth, I screamed like a little girl....and I won dammit.  Don't you dare take my worm ever again!

Soon I will take the boat out on the lake and fish more!  I'm going to be awesome at this fishing thing!

Who would have thought...ME....fishing???  I'm still shocked!

Wanna come fish with me??  We can use my lake if you will take the fish off the hook for me!

Why Women Kill...

I've been thinking about the topic of why women kill far too frequently lately, and I think I've figured out.  And note that by kill I mean kill the men they sleep next to every night. 


Here's what I've concluded....it's all because of lack of sleep.


Here's what happens to me every night... I will leave out the porn star sexscapades because well, they don't happen...not during the week at least :-)


Climb into bed. Try to get comfortable.  Note I say try because I have the boy on one side, arms all wrapped around me so I can barely move, and usually an arm under my head....but you know, he's comfortable.  And being that I'm the "great housewife" I should make sure the working man is comfortable.  Then on the other side is usually the overweight kitty Sunshine.  She takes up at least 1/3 of the bed and I am now sandwiched between the boy and the fat cat. Vienna is usually sweet enough that she just sleeps down near my feet. 


Once I get to the point where I may be comfortable enough to sleep it begins.  The root of all my homicidal urges.  The snoring.  Oh my god the boy can snore! And I must add that Sunshine snores too, luckily much quieter, but still.  It's like a back and forth dance between the two.  


I start doing the kicking thing.  "Honey, you are snoring so loud, please stop, change positions or something" I try to say kindly while kicking him.  Usually, I don't get a response, if I do, it's 'I love you too honey."  I DIDN'T SAY I LOVE YOU...I SAID I'M ABOUT TO KILL YOU.  


Sometimes, I get very annoyed and do the full body push....MOVE, STOP, ROLLOVER, SOMETHING!!!!  JUST STOP FUCKING SNORING SO DAMN LOUD IN MY EAR!!  
Last night, I took my bum and fully pushed him...HARD...and he woke up.  I'm thinking, this is great, he will wake up and I will be able to fall asleep.  NOPE.  He actually said, "Oooh, honey, you horny?!"  


WHAT?!!!! Do you not know the difference between I'm going to fucking kill you and "let's get it on?"


And it continues...I put pillows over his head.  I try like hell not to sit on them so he suffocates.  I try to move him.  I beg & plead.  Then I say fuck it...onto the narcotics.  Ok, not narcotics, but Tylenol PM.  It's the only freakin' way I can fall asleep!


In the morning, I try to discuss this.  He tells me he broke his nose before and that's why he snores.  


So ladies, my advice....ask a guy if he has had a broken nose before dating him.  


But back to the point...this is why women kill.  They are over-tired, stressed from lack of sleep, and walking around in this fog all day and night because they can't fucking sleep because you snore so loud!


The man comes home and forgot to grab some bread at the store, or whatever small favor you asked.  IT's not a big deal to most people....but the overtired lady...this sets her off.  She takes out the large knife.  The really cool one that you bought her.  It's pretty.  It's pink.  It's ceramic and goes through anything.  And soon, you find the knife going through you...repeatedly....


Ok, so I sound like a psychopath. I'm tired. My neck is sore.  He's all awake and chipper.  He can't understand why I won't run around and do whatever pointless task he wants me to do. I have no intention of killing him.  I do intend to buy breath rite strips.  I will try those first.  If that doesn't work, I don't know....that pretty pink knife may come out.

You can't make a ho a housewife?

You can't make a ho a housewife?


I will give all credit for the title of this to my friend Francine.  She is the one that gave me this quote once upon  a time and I like it,so I'm using it!


Right now, since I'm not working, I've decided that I'm a 'practicing housewife' without the kids...or ring....but you know...practicing. 


I'm not exactly sure what a housewife should do on a daily basis.  I have a feeling I'm not quite cut out for this lifestyle.  I mean, I really enjoying doing nothing but things I want to do all day.  I can read books, watch brain numbing tv shows, do my homework, and NAP.  I love napping.  But something tells me that there is more to this actual housewife thing. I know there are many women out there who would read this, appalled and disgusted at me.  They'd go on and on about what a housewife actually does, and tell me I don't know what I"m talking about.  Well, no shit I don't....That's why I'm practicing.


I'm going to use myself a case study to decide if you can make a ho a housewife!  I think I may be doing okay!  I don't go out everynight like I used.  I rarely party anymore.  I read books, get the mail, do homework, cook, etc.  Basically, I'm a boring version of what I used to me.  I still wear totally inappropriate outfits while I do these things, so I'm not totally lost :-)  And I'm ok with it.  I could even say I like and enjoy this more peaceful life I live.  I like sitting at night on the couch with the boy....each of us reading a different book until one of us falls asleep.  Ugh...I'm so boring. I swore this wouldn't happen to me.  But I also swore I would never become a borderline fat chick...and look what happened there.  I guess I am wrong sometimes!


Onto the case study:


Here's what I just got from wikipedia, I will use this description of a housewife in my analysis of how I'm doing:


"Housewife is a term used to describe a married woman whose main occupation is running the family home—caring for her children, cooking, cleaning, etc.—and who does not work outside the home[1]. Merriam Webster describes a housewife as a married woman who is in charge of her household."

1. Married Woman:  I'm already failing here since I'm not married. Hmm...  (-1)
2. Caring for Children: Ummm, yea...don't have those either, but I have my cats.  Maybe they count?  They are continually following me around, wanting attention, crying, wanting to be fed, played with, etc. Does this count?  In my book it does and I say this just so I don't become a total failure as a housewife.
3. Cooking:  Well, I do cook sometimes.  I'm not incredibly good at it.  But I don't burn everything and I haven't given anybody food poisoning. So I guess I pass this test.  Plus, I've been trying to cook every night.  And I've been trying new things.  Last week, I think I cooked almost every night!  One night was sheppards pie, then chicken (with crispy skin too!! that was big!), then macaroni salad to go with the burger the boy cooked on the grill, and I'm pretty sure I made a few other things I can't remember right now.  
4. Cleaning:  Well, my house doesn't look like a bomb went off.  The dishes are clean, the counters are clean, the laundry is folded and put away most of the time.  But there is dust. And I could probably do better.  But damn, who the hell wants to clean?  We've had some great days, and I'd prefer to sit by the water in the sun and read a book! And then on these dreary, rainy days? Everybody knows they were made for being lazy.  Laying on the couch, watching movies, napping, etc.  I don't want to ruin this tradition by cleaning!
5. Etc:  Umm, I don't know what that means!  When the boy comes home should I be waiting in a lacey outfit & hooker heels?  Ready to drag him to the bedroom and show how grateful I am that he worked all day and came home to me? Oh yea baby.  Quick...we have 15 minutes until dinner is ready! Not sure if I'm totally failing here....it may be a matter of opinion....some days I do this....not often though.  Usually if I did something really bad during the day and I know the boy might kill me!

But it also says a woman who is in charge of her home!  I think I got this one down!  I am a housewife!  


So I guess maybe you can make a ho a housewife??!!! 
Thoughts?

The not so great "career" search

The great job search begins.  But this time I want to do it differently.
I am so over the shitty job that I don't really enjoy but NEED to take because I'm starving.  I don't want to continually be in this cycle.  I keep getting jobs that are boring to me, don't offer any sort of challenge, don't pay much, and have no growth potential.  I can't imagine I'm the only person that has ever felt this way.

I have an Associate's Degree in Marketing, and am on my way to my Bachelor's Degree in Business Leadership, this shouldn't be too hard of a task.  But it is!  It's overwhelming, stressful, and discouraging.  I'm a smart girl, I have experience, I learn quickly, I like a challenge, PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO IMPRESS YOU!!  That's what I want to write as my cover letter from now on because essentially, that's what I'm trying to say.  Obviously the economy being in the shape its in isn't helping, but my issues aren't from not being able to find a job that I want so I won't use that as an excuse.  My issue is fidning confidence and feeling like I CAN DO the job I want.   Or maybe it's finding the confidence to believe that somebody will give me the chance.

I've found that I am truly lacking confidence.   This is very strange for me because I am a normally confident person, and I don't get these feelings of inadequacy like I have while reading job posts lately.  I feel like I could do so well if  I could just get my foot in the door, but I can't get a chance to get my foot in the door.  I'm worried that my experience isn't "the right kind,"  whatever the "right kind" is.   I have this overhwelming sense of fear when I look at jobs in the marketing field, which I truly think is the field I want to work in.  I'm so worried that if I do even get an interview, perhaps if the person is offering pity interviews that day, I won't be able to answer any questions right.  What if I don't even know what they mean when they ask things??  I can't be the only person who has read ads and been baffled as to what the hell the job requires a person to do on a daily basis.  Yet I often wonder if some of these ads are just using "big words" that they don't need to be using.  Maybe it makes the company sound better?  Maybe it makes the job sound more important?  I don't know.  But I do know that I don't enjoy it at all.

It's overwhelming reading some job postings and getting confused.  I wish there was a "google translate" button to turn it into "plain english" instead of "I know every industry term and I'm going to use it while writing this."  Is that too much to ask?

 So I'm trying the ususal places in my search.  Craigslist is nice because of the sheer size and the ease of it.  But there are a lot of scams and shitty jobs.  When I say I want a marketing job, I do not mean that I want to cold call people or stand in the mall selling a freakin' fingernail buffing nail file.  Sadly, many of the jobs listed are just that.  I've become a big fan of Indeed and found it to be one of the most beneficial sites so far.  I like the ease of searching and the organization.  I feel like CareerBuilder should be re-named to "staffing companies post here," and Monster has so many damn ads that it's a taks just trying to look at postings.

Being that I'm trying to find a career, not just a "job" this time, I've also been using LinkedIn and Northeastern's Career websites.  They offer a lot of good tips, but many jobs are in Boston, and it's a bit far for me to travel.

But I'm going to keep reading articles to help me make my cover letter's better.  I'm going to keep searching.  I'm going to try to stay postive. And I'm going to TRY like hell, to gain back some of the confidence that I once had ample amounts of.  Wish me luck.

And so I begin...

I sit and write a lot.  It helps me clear my head. I decided I would make a blog to share with anybody who wants to read it.  Or nobody if that's the case, which is fine too.


 Sometimes it's just venting....sort of my way of ensuring I don't actually carry out all the homicidal ideas that run through my head.  Especially while I'm driving!


I've also been learning to cook and sometimes I write about that....if I'm really excited by what I made or if I screw up really well.


I'm also a student at Northeastern and looking for a job.  It's safe to assume these things just may come up too!