It took a while to make this baby. I had to stop seizure medicine and give my body enough time to ensure that it wouldn't go crazy and I wouldn't start having seizures again. Once everything was safely out of my body and the doctors and I felt that things were going to be fine, we could actually go ahead with the plan.
I feel like I knew right away when I was pregnant for the simple fact that I was so fucking exhausted I couldn't even function. Everybody has heard about it, but damn, I didn't appreciate it until it happened. I wasn't worried of being "tired," hell, we've all been tired before. But this was different. I felt like if I put my head down anywhere, at any time, I could have easily fallen asleep. That was my first sign.
I went to get pregnancy tests on a Monday, while sitting home alone. It was a few days before my period, so I didn't really think I'd learn anything from them, but well....obviously I did! I sat there, surrounded by 3 tests with 2 lines each, and said "Oh fuck. You got what you wanted. Now what?" It was exciting, and I was petrified! I had talked to a few friends that day, but didn't mention anything. I couldn't say it out loud until I had processed it myself, which sometimes takes me a while.
Finally, Justin came home and I still didn't say anything. I was acting weird and giggly, but just couldn't say it. So I texted the pictures to Michelle. I was worried that I imagined it or was seeing things that weren't there. My phone blew up from her texts, she was so excited. I'm pretty sure that at that moment, only 4 weeks pregnant, Michelle was already planning the first tea party for my baby that she insists is a girl! Her excitement and encouragement allowed me to finally tell Justin. Actually I chickened out of saying it, and simply told him to go into the bathroom and look! It's not that I was worried, we both wanted this, but it's like I couldn't say it yet!
Justin was excited, I was excited, and we both tried to live life like normal for a while, a while being a whole 12 minutes until I took out baby books and looked at them and freaked myself out a bit more. I'm not good at just letting things happen. I like to know everything about something so I can then over think everything. I have found that I pretty much HATE most baby books as they freak you the f*ck out. And all the contradicting information you hear and read is stressful and drives me bonkers. I've gotten better at not learning too much because I think that I'm much calmer this way!
The worst part, for me at least, was how long you have to wait for actual proof of a baby. I know that I had pregnancy tests (both at home and at the doctor.) I know that my boobies hurt like hell, and if you accidentally bumped me I'd punch you. I know that I was beyond exhausted, yet woke up at 3 am for some reason. I know that I was a bit moody (haha...a bit may be a matter of opinion and cried very easily. I know that soon I started being queasy often and I needed to eat NOW or I'd be sick. I know that the smell of some things quickly turned my stomach and left me fairly sure I was going to puke everywhere (the grocery store was the worst!) But even though I knew all these things, I still didn't believe it to be true. I am not the type to just accept that everything is OK and calm down. I wanted an ultrasound. I wanted to see the heartbeat. I wanted to know that it was real!!!
Those 8 weeks waiting for the ultrasound were awful. It's hard because you are excited, but most people don't know why. You are tired, moody, hungry, and overwhelmed yet you look normal so it seems that everything is normal! But your body (and mind!) is going crazy and you have very few people to talk to about it. Even on the day of my ultrasound, I sat there cautiously waiting, really worried that I'd get in there and they'd tell me I imagined it all. It's insane what your mind can do to you! But then we saw a real baby! It was so exciting!! Justin and I both stared at the screen trying to figure it all out because honestly, ultrasound pictures are confusing the first time you see them. I know that I've seen a few and was fairly sure a friend's baby was an alien. Or I couldn't find the head in the picture! I found the flickering heartbeat on the screen and was instantly calmed. I was calmed until the tech said "I have to go show the doctor and I'll be back." Perhaps this is standard, but nobody told me that, and I panicked wondering why she needed to show a doctor! (It was normal, and everything was fine!)
Since that day, I've been much calmer and more relaxed about being pregnant and the fact that in January a little baby will be making it's entrance into the world. It helps that people know now, and I am blessed to have some amazing friends that check in and remind me that everything will be okay and this is all normal. They calm me down when I look at baby registry lists and freak the f*ck out because I don't know what half the shit is or if I actually need it!! They also calm me down when I'm ready to kill Justin (or anybody else for that matter---I'm talking to you lady that made my iced coffee wrong!!) over some trivial thing that to me, at that moment, is A REALLY BIG DEAL!!
It's 16 weeks now. I'm feeling better, I have energy. I don't stand over the kitchen sink dry heaving waiting for my toast to pop up from the toaster so I can shovel it in my mouth and make the nausea go away! (That's a big plus!) And you can kind of almost tell that I'm actually pregnant. But not all the time. And not if you don't actually know! But I hear it will happen soon and I'm honestly really excited for that day to come!
That's all for now.....hope you could keep up with all this rambling. In a few weeks, I will finally know if what I (and almost everybody I know) believe is true, that's there's a little baby girl in there. Or is it a baby boy?? We have to wait and see!
