A letter to any new neighbors...that I probably can't send

Maybe you've heard about my neighbors and all the drama.  I really am considering giving anybody else who moves into this neighborhood this nice little letter, maybe with some editing?!  I sound so mean, and  like a total bitch.  I'm really not. But I am at the end of my rope dealing with the people that move into that house across the street.  I moved out of the ghetto, to the country, for a reason.  I don't want to be dealing with those issues anymore.  This letter is meant as a joke....maybe.....

Dear new neighbors,

Welcome to the neighborhood! We are writing this letter to let you know a little about the neighborhood and to help ensure that you become somebody that we like (we are pretty fun and nice if we like you,) and not somebody we will all equally hate with every ounce of our being. You may first read this and think that your neighbors are uptight assholes, and I assure you that we really are not!  We've had numerous bad experiences with the house you are moving into.  It may actually be cursed, sorry about that, but maybe YOU can break the curse! We are all rooting for you!  Here are the highlights of the last 3 tenants, so you know why we are writing this:  one who gave her "services" for a fee, one left her dirty diapers on her front yard and let her dog run in my yard to poop, and the last ones....where most of this comes from....they were obnoxious, loud, rude, took in borders, and that list goes on and on.  Please understand that we are all sick of drama from that house and really are hoping that YOU will be a cool person that can fit in. To ensure that everybody is on the same page, I figured I'd write a little list to help you out.  If you read this list and think "What the hell?  Why would they need to tell me not to do this?"  that may be a great sign.  These basic things were so foreign to the previous tenants that we decided to write them down, you know, in case you moved from someplace where respect wasn't common.

Music--We love music! In the summer, most times when we are all outside, there is some music playing on the radio.  It will be loud enough that I can hear it in my front yard or wherever I am.  It will not be loud enough that you can hear it inside your house, over the sound of your own TV, or so loud that it stops you from being able to read or hold a conversation with anybody.  I expect the same from your music. If you are unsure how loud the music coming from your house is, my suggestion is to walk outside, walk around the neighborhood, and LISTEN.  If I cannot sit in my front yard, reading a book, without hearing your music interrupting my every thought, your music is too damn loud!  Keep in mind that I may be understanding the first time, especially if you notice the problem, apologize, and correct it.   If you continually do it, remember that I have 1 car, 1 van, and 1 truck in front of my house.  I can easily turn them all on and drown out any and all noise coming from your house.  I assure you it won't be music you like either.  Let's not have to resort to that.

Respect--We are a friendly neighborhood, and kinda all wander from house to house in the summer, especially when the kids are out.  If you are the type to yell and scream over everything all day and night, please keep your windows and doors shut.  Same goes for when you are getting in and out of your car.  Remember that my bedroom is facing your parking spot.  If you yell every morning or night and wake me, I will make your life a living hell.  Nobody in the neighborhood wants to hear you swearing and yelling all day.  And we have little kids.  If we are outside, enjoying some fun time and the sounds coming from your house make us wonder if somebody's life is at risk or you are just being downright rude and obnoxious, it won't be good.  I may be nice the first time, and simply give you some sort of death stare and the opportunity to take your drama elsewhere.  I may just call the cops because I'm so sick of that behavior and don't want my days off ruined by you. We work hard, when we want to relax and enjoy our days off we would love if you were part of it, not ruining it.

Trash--YOU are in charge of ordering your own trash barrels, and paying the bill.  You are also in charge of picking up your trash barrels when the wind blows them around, or the trash guys leave them someplace other than their normal spot. If your barrels were full when they got blown around, be a decent human being and pick up the trash that blew everywhere too!  If you leave your barrels in the middle of the road, and your trash blowing around the road (and thus into a neighbor's yard) you are automatically moved to the black list.  It's pretty basic.  Take out trash bags from inside your house, tie them, place them into trash bin, close lid.  If you have any difficulty with this, I'm willing to show you. When we come home from work and our yard and driveway is filled with trash from your house, it makes us very angry.  Please don't be lazy, pick up after yourself, and we won't have this problem. 

Parking--Your designated spots are in front of YOUR house.  Keep in mind when parking that you are parking on a narrow road. Also keep in mind that there are driveways on each side of your parking spots.  Do not park your car in such a way that people cannot easily get in and out of their driveways.  The neighbors are all nice, but also one step away from crazy and if you continually do this, your car may get rammed repeatedly one day. Please don't even consider parking in front of the house across the street or in front of the gate at the end of the road.  Your car could get towed.  Note that if you become a nice neighbor and are liked, if you plan to have people over, you can ask to use our spots.  We will most likely let you if you are respectful to us.

Kids--The neighborhood has kids, and if you have children that can play well with others, they are encouraged to play!  Please do not just toss your kid out of the house when you see us outside with our children. Call first, stop over and ask if we mind watching your kid too, or just come outside with your kid.  It will not be my responsibility to ensure that your kid doesn't get hurt or gets home when we decide to go inside or leave.  Also keep in mind that if your kid is playing at my house and is a little shit, he/she will be reprimanded.  I promise you that I love children and would never harm one.  But I also believe in discipline and manners in children, so if your kids lack that, I'd suggest you teach them. If the kids are running around, and you'd like to bring out a treat that is super.  But please do not bring 50 sugar filled treats for 4 kids.  I don't want to deal with the sugar high or intense low that comes from it. It's also best if you are around when your kids are playing outside because I do not pay attention to tantrums or crying for attention.  If your kid does this as part of their normal behavior, I will send them home for you to deal with.  Now here's the thing....I sound mean. I'm not.  I love kids and although I'd like to ignore your child if you choose to ignore them, I will not.  I will make sure that somebody is there if I am leaving and make sure they get home. I will make sure your kid is safe and loved.  But I will also call DSS on your ass if you continually ignore your child or put them in harm's way, this includes screaming at your child or hitting them.  If I can hear your kid screaming like they are being harmed when I am in my house, every day, there is a problem in my opinion. Lastly, there is a lake!  Watch your children!  IF they are wandering around and not being watched they can fall into the lake and get hurt or drown. Let it be known that if you do work out and we like you, we can easily work it out so that if I'm outside you CAN call me and ask if your child can come play while you run errands or clean your house.  I will do that and won't mind at all.....if I like you and your child. If I don't, don't think I'm the babysitter. You will be wrong.

Clothing--I understand the summer is hot.  Please keep yourself and your visitors fully dressed when they are outside.  It may be normal for your family to walk around half naked with all their nastiness hanging out for the world to see, but it makes me vomit.  I don't want to see that. Nobody wants to see that. Dress appropriately outside of your house.

The Lake--We have access to the lake at MY HOUSE.  There is fishing, boating, and other fun things you can do.  As of right now, YOU do not have any access to the lake from my yard.  You are not to be in my yard, unless I invite you.  You cannot go and use the boats, or fish, even if you see other neighbor's doing it. I will decide if I'd like to extend that invite after your trial period.

So that's about all.  Hopefully, you work out and we get a neighbor that is awesome and can be part of our neighborhood gang.  It's all pretty basic stuff...respect for neighbors, respect for your home and the neighborhood (don't have tons of shit in your front yard!), no screaming obscenities every time you open your mouth.  And drive cautiously on these roads, the kids play on them and if you hit one of my children or the ones I love like my own, you will die.  Even if I did like you! 

Much love,
Your new neighbors

Thank you to all of you that have read this and sent me messages!  I really appreciate it.  I know many of you have tried to post comments on here and were having difficulty.  I'm not exactly sure why it's not working well for you, but I appreciate the effort. I know that you have to  click on a "profile" from the drop down menu under the comment box, before hitting post, so make sure you are doing that!  I recommend writing a comment, then copying it before you try to post it.  That way, if for some reason it disappears, you can simply paste it back and try again.  Thanks again!