The Fear Deep Inside of Me

I wrote this long, crazy, emotional blog recently.  I go back and forth about sharing it.  But I've decided I will share it and so here goes.  I'm going to break it into two parts, the first which is below, is about me....my issues....my fears.  The second part is going to be more about Hylan and how we changed me and gave me confidence in myself.  I hope you enjoy it.  It was really hard for me to share it because I'm a pretty confidant person and fear is something that I don't handle or share well!

I became an accidental step-mom.  I came across this phrase today and it kind of fit perfectly.  Hylan coming into my life is truly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but it was totally unexpected.  Before him, I truly was petrified of the idea of having kids.  In my twenties, it was never a thought, it was only a "hell no."  As I got older, those feelings changed because my life changed, and I grew up a bit.  But I was still scared.  I never had parents that showed love or cared for me as most parents do.  Deep inside of me was this overwhelming fear that I couldn't possibly be a mother because I would have no idea what to do.  And  I don't mean the normal "holy shit, we have a baby, now what?" that most people go through.  I mean that I worried I wouldn't be able to love a child right, whatever 'right' is.  I wouldn't know how to show them that they were loved.  I never saw that myself, or felt it, and I had no faith that I would be able to show it to somebody else.  I knew for a fact that I knew what NOT to do.  I had an entire childhood of experience in that department.  It's odd because I feel like many people worry about having kids and the costs, time, and effort are their big concerns.  Obviously everybody wants their kids to have more than they had, to go to good schools, become successful, live a happy life, and becoming overall good people.  None of those are that big of a deal for me.  This is not to say that I don't worry about things like that, but I think that like everybody else, I will figure it all out.   I will do my best and it will work itself out.   My fear is so much deeper than that and it's often overwhelming.  I worry that there is some "bad-mom gene" and maybe it was passed down to me too.  In my case, regarding my parents, I don't feel that they ever intended to actually hurt me in the ways that they did, but they did.  They were not mentally able to care for themselves fully, never mind to care for a child.  And that's the honest truth....and it's fine....I survived and became me.  I can't change any of that.  But I can hope to do better for my future children.  But you see, I say "hope" like I doubt that I can.  Which is stupid because I know that I can.  I know that I would never do any of the things my parents did to me to a child.  But there's always this little line of doubt running through me about it.  I have this fear that my child won't know that I love them, that I won't show it enough and they will not feel it and their lives will be all sorts of fucked up because of it.

And in walks Hylan...thrown into my life unexpectedly and of my own doing.  I was the one that called Jen (his mom) and talked to her to work things out and made it so he could come see his dad.  I was the one she trusted with her son at first because the hate she felt towards Justin consumed every thought that ran through her head.  I was also the one who realized it was actually going to happen, then said "Oh shit. What the hell do I do with a little boy in my house?"  I was clueless.  I was scared.  So freakin' scared you have no idea.  At the time, I didn't know what would come of it.  I didn't know if she would let him come here once, then never again, or what would happen.  And I truly didn't ever anticipate that the love I would have for this kid would be as strong and deep as it is.

Come back to read the rest of this story tomorrow......

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