Thursday, May 17, 2012

TRYING not to stress's the last thing I need

Where to begin....that's the question.  My mind is racing with a million different thoughts, and one...which is quite not at the top of the list.  And it probably should be, but right now, we will skip my great fuck up and get into the other things.

Mommy Dearest...
I don't speak to my mother.  I haven't for years.  I'd see her at occasional family holidays, but even then, I wouldn't say much.  To say we are missing that bond is putting it gently.  And I'm not guilty about this.  Honestly, she shouldn't have had a child.  She in no state to be a parent, for numerous reasons.  Growing up for me, "normal" was my mom beating the crap out of me over anything and nothing.  The Red Sox lost a game, nobody would babysit me so she could go to her Bingo games and feed her gambling addiction, she was in a bad mood, somebody upset her, whatever the reason didn't matter....I was her verbal and physical punching bag.  She would spend our money gambling and for a time, I actually believed it was normal thinking and saying "If my mom 'wins' tonight we will get groceries (or I will turn in my money from selling candy, or whatever it was.)"  And that's just the start of it.  All the details of the things she did, allowed people to do to me, or anything like that at this point aren't important.  I lived through it, and it made me who I am.  I'm not ashamed of my past and I just hope that one day, a young kid in my situation will realize that they have options.  They can turn their life into something at least half way decent, if not great.  They can be a good person, and not becoming what they were taught was normal.  Either way, like I said, I don't speak to her.  And I'm fine with it.  Honestly, when people continually bring you down and offer nothing positive, they aren't worth being in your life.  It's that simple.  If I let her in my life, she would continually bring me down and she is not worth that.  
A few years ago, she had a major stroke, and is now in a nursing home.  She has partial paralysis, and is in a wheelchair.  When it first happened, I went to the hospital.  I'm not sure why.  I honestly had to sit and consider going.  I think more of it was that I didn't want my gram to have to go alone, so I went.  The questions were difficult because I didn't know the answers.  Was she on medicine?  Had she not been feeling well? Etc.  I had no idea.  Nobody really did.  She always had some "major ailment" and therefore, nobody ever took her seriously because it was just an attention getter....or an excuse for her to continue to be lazy.  So I haven't been back.  I don't ask about her, because truly, I just need to separate myself so I can live my life. From what I understand, nothing has changed.  She is still mean and miserable to everybody, even if people do go to visit her.  She just bitches or ignores them.  And she's still her violent self, physically and verbally abusing the staff members, and trying to harm every roommate she has, either physically or by continually threatening them and their families. So there are lots of problems.  My gram called and told me she was recently sent to the psych ward at the hospital because she threatened her latest roommate's family, said she'd kill their children, and light their house on fire. Luckily her paralysis & wheelchair won't allow for this, but the point is the problem.  And I feel for the staff and other patients there.  It's so sad they have to live through this when they are either trying to help or ailing themselves. It makes me sick.
It's a lot for my gram to take.  She also has  a life to live.  I honestly, don't know why she even bothers going to see her.  But for whatever reason, she does.  I think she's made friends with staff & other residents and goes to see them.  I don't know.  It's not like she & my mother were ever close before, but it's her decision.  But now I'm trying to step in and figure out what the hell to do. I'm trying to talk to the doctor or social worker and cannot get a call back.  I don't know what they can do, and how this will be handled.  And I can't seem to get answers.  I can understand my gram wanting me to go there because I am probably the one person that has dealt with my mom and her drama the most.  And the one she is least likely to pull her bullshit with because she knows that  I won't take it and I'm not hurt or intimidated by her.  There's nothing she can say or do to me that she hasn't already done.  Honestly, I don't want to go or deal with it at all .  I say just let her stay there and whatever happens, oh well.  It's exactly what she would do to somebody.  But for my gram, I'm going to try to figure out something.  

The Seizures....
This probably couldn't have been happening at a worst time though.  I've been taking seizure medicine for my nocturnal seizures for almost 10 years.  But I haven't had a seizure in over 1 1/2 years and I only take half the dosing I used to.  After numerous tests the past few weeks, my neurologist has suggested that I can stop the medicine.  It's what I wanted for reasons that I'm not going to get into right now....and I'm petrified all of a sudden.  There is no answer as to what will happen.  I may start having them more, or perhaps during the day even.  I may never have one again.  Nobody knows the answer and only time will tell.  For this reason, I cannot drive for at least 30 days, just in case.  Which is fine, except I also can't go to the hospital to deal with mother unless I get a ride, and it's not like I have a lot of friends out here in no man's land. Plus, I need to get a job and not driving makes it hard. But we will survive.  It's what I do, and Justin is incredibly supportive, as are my friends and you who read this.  I know that stress and lack of sleep are two of the biggest triggers, so as I sit here.....the first night I don't have to take my medicine before bed, I'm worried.  I've missed dosing before and I know that I'm just freakin' myself out, but it's scary to me.  But I'm going to do it.  And I'm going to hope that everything works out well!

So here I sit...writing...clearing my head....trying not to stress out, and right now with the mom situation, finals, not being able to drive, and my other fuck's hard to not stress. But what good does stressing get anybody?  So it's all deep breaths for this girl....for a while.  And I will sit and hope for the best!  And I will also thank you for reading this....letting me get it all out.
Wish me luck!


  1. It so amazing to me that we have been friends for 15 years and I never knew this about your mother! If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here always and forever! Plus I live in an awesome vacation spot :D xoxo head up everything will work out the way it is ment to work out

  2. Thanks Sarah...its not something I ever really mention cuz I've just been so fucking over it for so long! If it does come up most times Id have to go into a long story to explain cuz people seem to think I'm not serious and am just blowing it out of proportion!
    It is what it is...all I can do is remember that it made me a very strong person...and remember to never do it to a child!

  3. None of this info is new to me but it is so hard to read. You should be so proud of what you have done with your life and the fact that you did it all by yourself.

    1. Thanks Michelle...and to tell you the truth, your pain in the ass husband really helped me. Especially when I was little and needed it. I hope he knows that.

  4. OMG. I can't believe your mom got that bad. I mean I remember her as being a pretty shitty person and abusive. I remember going up to your apartment with you the one time and you getting hit with a metal spatula or spoon or something because she threw it at your dad and missed and we showed up at just the right time. I remember your leg got sliced open and I think you needed stitches. I remember there were many times where my mom got you and had you stay at our house or she called your grandparents to come and get you. Despite all that crappy stuff she did I guess I still never pictured her threatening to kill someone else' family and burning down someones house. It's like she's gone totally mad.

    1. Yes she is full in crazy...its just that she's stuck in this home now & everything is not her way so she gets all violent. Pretty much the same as she always has, i was just too young to send her away!!
      And i did need stitches! Still have the scar!