That was mean...well deserved...but mean...

I feel guilty.  I know I really shouldn't, but I do.  And this whole post may be confusing to some of you newer readers...there's a post called Mommy Dearest that may help clarify a bit, if you get lost.  The fact that I'm all sorts of frustrated right now isn't helping my writing, so good luck keeping this all straight!

Here's the deal....

First of all, mom is still in the psych ward.  The nursing home she was in will not take her back because her behavior is too distrubtive & mean.  They are not equipped for that type of person.  They are not a hospital for behavioral problems, they are a nursing home.  So she's going to some other place, I guess in Worcester maybe, in which they are better equpped to handle her.  That is, IF she ever gets out of the psych ward.  They are trying to regulate her medication and make her somewhat stable.

She's called me a few times, all weepy and whiny.  Ive tried to talk to her a little bit, explain that her behavior isn't acceptable anywhere, etc.  But in her head, she's so screwed up that it makes no sense to her.  I have better luck talking to a 4 year old.  And I know that she has actual problems, I'm not denying that.  But I also know that she's always been this way, before her stroke too.  It's hard because the sane logical part of me wants to just ignore it....but I'm also smart enough to know that some of it  she just doesn't understand either.   It's sad and I feel guitly sometimes.  But I also feel that she's been spoiled her entire life and therefore she knows she can treat the family and everyone else like this....she always has and it was never a problem.  Except for empty threats and fights with my grampa, nothing changed and nothing was held against her.

My gram told me today that she went to visit my mom (after saying she wouldn't ever again!!! grr), and my mom was having one of her nasty, mean fits.  She was swearing at my gram, saying she hated her, and just being as awful as she always is.  Then she threw a bowl of soup at my gram.  DID YOU READ THAT?  Yea, she did that.  My gram told me all of this and honestly, the first thing I did was yelled at her.  She said she wouldn't go back.  But she went back.  Therefore, just reinforcing to my mother that she can treat people like shit and they will still visit.   But it pissed me off.   A lot.  And I have a bunch of shit in my own life to deal with, so I was irritated when I got off the phone.

When she normally calls me, she just talks and sulks a little then hangs up.  She's on all sorts of meds, so she's all loopy.  My gram is shocked that she's never starting swearing at me, but I'm not.  I think she knows in her fucked up little head, that if she did, I won't talk to her ever again.  I've done it for years.  I haven't seen her for years.  She treated me like shit my entire life and I don't need her in my life.  She's done nothing but hurt me.  But I also know that it's probably scary for her right now.  I know that and therefore if she calls, I will generally talk to her for a few minutes. 

Today was a little different....coincidentally, right after I got off the phone with my gram, my mom called from the hospital.  Apparently, her meds are doing ok because she almost sounded normal. But I was unhappy that she threw soup at my gram.  And I had to ask her about it.  Perhaps not my smartest move, being that I'm not in a great mood as it is....but I did anyway.  Her answer was, "I was in a bad mood." 

Which set off the little ticking time bomb inside of me....

I just yelled forever....explained that I'm in a bad mood right now and I have yet to hit, punch, throw something at someone, threaten their lives, or anything else. We get in bad moods, and unlike her, most people actually have a reason and real stress that causes it, and we fucking deal.   And I was brutally honest. She then started weeping....and said she'd never call me again....and I told her that line doesn't work on me anymore.  The crying and "fine then, you don't want to talk to me anymore" guilt trip she's so good at, is just old news to me.  I told her to do everybody a favor and never call any of them again.  I told her she needs to grow up, learn to treat people with respect, and IF she can ever accomplish that, THEN she can call again.   I reminded her that she did this to herself, that she is the one that has pushed everybody away.  And I told her that if my gram every goes there again, and I find out, it's not going to be good.   I believe it was worded something like this..."If my gram ever considers visiting you again, I will tell her that I won't ever speak to her again.  And I'm nice to her.  You are rude.  I will win. Don't fuck with her again or you will deal with me."  The one thing I have over everybody is that I dealt with her forever....and I've never (since I've been old enough at least), allowed her to treat me badly.  I won't take it.  I don't make empty threats....if I say it, I will do it.  She knows that.

And to be honest, I don't care if she calls again.  If she needs to talk to someone, I'd rather it be me.  I don't want her calling my gram.  I really try to be understanding to a point...and I don't want to be as mean as I have to be.  But she is a very mean person and it's hard.

So the moral of this story....I guess she won again. This woman that calls herself my mother in all her crazy, mean, and selfishness just won. Every awful thing she's done to me just came over me and made me blinded with anger.  She pissed me off enough that I yelled at her.  I got to her level.  I was MEAN.  I was brutally honest and harsh, and even though it was the truth, I was very mean about it.   And I don't want to be like that.  I don't like that she can ruin my fucking day.  I don't like that she's so mean to my gram.  I feel awful for the nurses who are saints and somehow deal with her everyday.  I don't know how they do it.

But I'm going to let it go...because she's not worth ruining my day....which is why I write this all out and let all of you read it.  I feel better when I get it all out...and I can move on and enjoy this beautiful day.  And that's what I'm off to do. 

Thanks for reading my therapy session....this was free!!!!