Is there a class for using a fridge correctly??

I understand that in the whole scheme of life, this isn't the biggest issue in the world.  I know that people have "real problems" because I do too.  But damn, nothing frustrates me quite like the damn fridge!

I'm about to start labeling the damn shelves. I just took everything out and organized it for the gazillionth time.  Basically, anytime we buy food, or have leftovers, or anytime Justin touches the damn thing it needs to be organized. AGAIN.  I've highly considered taking a picture of what it looks like organized, where things go and how they fit, just for reference to stick to the door.  Is that going too far?  Who knows.  I may let you know what happens because I really might do it.  


Here's what really gets me angry....LEFTOVERS.  If I consider throwing away 2 bites of mashed potatoes, or something that's been in there for 5 days, it may be the end of the world.  No matter what it is, or what the situation, Justin will say that he was planning to eat it.  He's always planning to eat it.  Tomorrow. Like the spaghetti and meatballs I made Friday, in the heat, after hearing whining for them for 3 days.  Guess where they are?  Taking up precious fridge space.  The large bucket of KFC (he eats it...don't ask why, who the hell knows) that has been moved 30 times in 2 days was nice too.  The ONE piece of chicken in that large bucket was awesome.  Almost awesome enough that it got thrown in the trash instead of wrapped in a piece of saran wrap, thus saving TONS of space.  But I can't throw it away because he's going to eat it "tomorrow." Yep.  
Another great one is the T-Bone steaks that have been in the freezer for 8 months.  Let's be serious, they have freezer burn by this point and I wouldn't eat them for money.  BUT, Justin took them out to defrost....about 10 days ago.  And soon I will throw them away, and get far more precious space.  But I can't yet, because he is going to eat them tomorrow.  And they are still good.  In his crazy head. 


As I sit here, with my fridge organized to the point that things are where they go and the chance you will get hit with something when you open the door is almost 100% gone, I know he will come home soon.   I know that he will take out his lunch (that HE NEEDED SO BAD), and put it all back in the fridge, in the very first spot he sees.  And my organization will have been a waste of time. 


And now that I got this all out, I may not kill him for doing this.  Plus, he has tons of food left to eat tomorrow...so I can't hurt him.  YET.

That was mean...well deserved...but mean...

I feel guilty.  I know I really shouldn't, but I do.  And this whole post may be confusing to some of you newer readers...there's a post called Mommy Dearest that may help clarify a bit, if you get lost.  The fact that I'm all sorts of frustrated right now isn't helping my writing, so good luck keeping this all straight!

Here's the deal....

First of all, mom is still in the psych ward.  The nursing home she was in will not take her back because her behavior is too distrubtive & mean.  They are not equipped for that type of person.  They are not a hospital for behavioral problems, they are a nursing home.  So she's going to some other place, I guess in Worcester maybe, in which they are better equpped to handle her.  That is, IF she ever gets out of the psych ward.  They are trying to regulate her medication and make her somewhat stable.

She's called me a few times, all weepy and whiny.  Ive tried to talk to her a little bit, explain that her behavior isn't acceptable anywhere, etc.  But in her head, she's so screwed up that it makes no sense to her.  I have better luck talking to a 4 year old.  And I know that she has actual problems, I'm not denying that.  But I also know that she's always been this way, before her stroke too.  It's hard because the sane logical part of me wants to just ignore it....but I'm also smart enough to know that some of it  she just doesn't understand either.   It's sad and I feel guitly sometimes.  But I also feel that she's been spoiled her entire life and therefore she knows she can treat the family and everyone else like this....she always has and it was never a problem.  Except for empty threats and fights with my grampa, nothing changed and nothing was held against her.

My gram told me today that she went to visit my mom (after saying she wouldn't ever again!!! grr), and my mom was having one of her nasty, mean fits.  She was swearing at my gram, saying she hated her, and just being as awful as she always is.  Then she threw a bowl of soup at my gram.  DID YOU READ THAT?  Yea, she did that.  My gram told me all of this and honestly, the first thing I did was yelled at her.  She said she wouldn't go back.  But she went back.  Therefore, just reinforcing to my mother that she can treat people like shit and they will still visit.   But it pissed me off.   A lot.  And I have a bunch of shit in my own life to deal with, so I was irritated when I got off the phone.

When she normally calls me, she just talks and sulks a little then hangs up.  She's on all sorts of meds, so she's all loopy.  My gram is shocked that she's never starting swearing at me, but I'm not.  I think she knows in her fucked up little head, that if she did, I won't talk to her ever again.  I've done it for years.  I haven't seen her for years.  She treated me like shit my entire life and I don't need her in my life.  She's done nothing but hurt me.  But I also know that it's probably scary for her right now.  I know that and therefore if she calls, I will generally talk to her for a few minutes. 

Today was a little different....coincidentally, right after I got off the phone with my gram, my mom called from the hospital.  Apparently, her meds are doing ok because she almost sounded normal. But I was unhappy that she threw soup at my gram.  And I had to ask her about it.  Perhaps not my smartest move, being that I'm not in a great mood as it is....but I did anyway.  Her answer was, "I was in a bad mood." 

Which set off the little ticking time bomb inside of me....

I just yelled forever....explained that I'm in a bad mood right now and I have yet to hit, punch, throw something at someone, threaten their lives, or anything else. We get in bad moods, and unlike her, most people actually have a reason and real stress that causes it, and we fucking deal.   And I was brutally honest. She then started weeping....and said she'd never call me again....and I told her that line doesn't work on me anymore.  The crying and "fine then, you don't want to talk to me anymore" guilt trip she's so good at, is just old news to me.  I told her to do everybody a favor and never call any of them again.  I told her she needs to grow up, learn to treat people with respect, and IF she can ever accomplish that, THEN she can call again.   I reminded her that she did this to herself, that she is the one that has pushed everybody away.  And I told her that if my gram every goes there again, and I find out, it's not going to be good.   I believe it was worded something like this..."If my gram ever considers visiting you again, I will tell her that I won't ever speak to her again.  And I'm nice to her.  You are rude.  I will win. Don't fuck with her again or you will deal with me."  The one thing I have over everybody is that I dealt with her forever....and I've never (since I've been old enough at least), allowed her to treat me badly.  I won't take it.  I don't make empty threats....if I say it, I will do it.  She knows that.

And to be honest, I don't care if she calls again.  If she needs to talk to someone, I'd rather it be me.  I don't want her calling my gram.  I really try to be understanding to a point...and I don't want to be as mean as I have to be.  But she is a very mean person and it's hard.

So the moral of this story....I guess she won again. This woman that calls herself my mother in all her crazy, mean, and selfishness just won. Every awful thing she's done to me just came over me and made me blinded with anger.  She pissed me off enough that I yelled at her.  I got to her level.  I was MEAN.  I was brutally honest and harsh, and even though it was the truth, I was very mean about it.   And I don't want to be like that.  I don't like that she can ruin my fucking day.  I don't like that she's so mean to my gram.  I feel awful for the nurses who are saints and somehow deal with her everyday.  I don't know how they do it.

But I'm going to let it go...because she's not worth ruining my day....which is why I write this all out and let all of you read it.  I feel better when I get it all out...and I can move on and enjoy this beautiful day.  And that's what I'm off to do. 

Thanks for reading my therapy session....this was free!!!!

Well hi there...it's been a while

The last few weeks weren't too great so I didn't write much.  Who wants to read about me whining about life??  You all have your own problems so I just haven't posted anything.  I'm a little better now...not that things are better, I'm just accepting them better, so I can write again! Yay.

I have nothing too exciting to write...but I will comment on a few things and I will share a little bit...

First off, ObamaCare. Oh my fucking god.  I love that everybody on Facebook is suddenly a genius.  I love that people write what they believe are in-depth and really "deep" status' about this and how it's going to ruin the country and blah blah blah.  Here's my issue....I highly doubt that you, Mr. Pothead, who generally only writes about how he "can't wait to get high" actually read all 920 (or however many) pages of this.  It's fine to have an opinion, but I would think that people would be smarter than to simple hear what "their" side says about it, and take it as fact.  If we aren't old enough or smart enough to know that everything political is skewed to meet the needs of the party sharing it, then that's just sad.  But the other thing is that I don't get why people want to fight about this and start what they call "discussions" on everybody else's pages.  Grow the fuck up.  If you have your opinion and your beliefs, good for you....but let's not waste everybody's time while you go on and on about how we are dumb if we don't agree.  You look like a jackass, an ignorant jackass.  If you can't understand that differences in opinion and beliefs are what this country is made of, then you probably can't understand the actual issue you are arguing about either.   Guess what???  I don't get it all either....I've read things from both sides, and the "neutral" side.  I still don't understand it all, and I'm sure as hell not claiming to.  But I'm also not nagging you to believe the one sentence I did read and agree with.  Don't do it to me.  It's a great way to piss me off.

Happy I got that off my chest....

Moving on...

My well is not working again!  During a heatwave!  Want to come over?? I SMELL AWESOME!!  Yea, baby wipes are my shower, but whatever, it's cool.  NOT.  The freakin' thing keeps losing it's prime.  Do you know what that means??  Well, essentially, the lines keep getting filled with air, and not water.  Although a faucet is nice when it shoots out air, it's not nearly as cool as when it shoots out water.  We've primed it...again and again....we can get water for 2 mins! Woo Hoo.  Then it's gone.  I'd get as far as putting some shampoo in my hair.  IF THAT. It's awesome.  So finally, the landlord is going to call a well company!  Woo Hoo.   Too bad it's Saturday, and this isn't happening until Monday.  Hopefully it's something simple....a hole in the line that's easily accessible, or something.  Who knows.  I miss water.  I miss showers.  Justin misses having clean work clothes! I miss not having to use a bottle of water when I brush my teeth.  This reminds me of camping...and also why I'm more of a fan of "hotel-ing."

And for my amusing story....

Justin cracks me up...most of you don't know him well enough to ever hear him say some of the shit he says that absolutely makes me laugh out loud. So I will share a story.

The other morning, we were watching the news before he went to work.   There was a story about some survey in which women rated which celebrity they would most likely have an affair with.  Anyway, it was Tom Brady on the list and some others...I mean, Johnny Depp was NOT #1, so clearly, they didn't ask my opinion.  But anyway, this is how the conversation goes afterward:

Justin:  "What the hell, why didn't they do women?"

Me:      "I don't know babe. Who is your #1 you would cheat with?"

Justin: "Oh, there's a few, I can't just pick one."

Me:      "Ok, well give me your top three then"

Justin:  "I can't remember their names...you know that girl..ummm..."

Me:      "You know, you have a MUCH better chance of hookin' up with a broad if you know her name"

Justin:   "No, I just need to get her alone in a room and I'll do just fine."

Me:      "Umm...ok, creepy guy that crawls in the window at night...."

So that's all for now kids....enjoy the heat and stuff.....enjoy your showers, laundry, rinsing dishes, and all that good shit.  :-)

Discipline isn't a bad thing

The issue of discipline children is one that will always be debated as each family has their own ways of doing things and disciplining in ways that they feel works best.  And that's all fine and dandy.  I personally, was abused as a child, and therefore, I don't believe in hitting kids.  Another reason is that I think that what starts as "small spankings" can easily turn into more when it's one of those days where you are stressed, tired, sick, the kid is just being a terror all day, or whatever.  I think that even people with the best intentions, may one day cross a line that makes them uncomfortable.  But this doesn't in any way mean that I don't believe in discipline.  I think that kids need to understand right  & wrong, and they need to know that if they misbehave, privileges will be taken away or there will be some repercussion for their behavior.  Most of these beliefs that I have come from my own childhood, the gazillion things I've read regarding this, the 'mommy' blogs that I've always loved reading for some reason, "SuperNanny," and things I've witnessed myself from my friends. And no, I sure as hell do not think that I know everything.  And I also know that I will fuck it up when I have my own kids. 

Hylan is really good most of the time.  He listens well.  But he also gets one warning when he's doing something wrong.  And only one warning.  The next time he does it, he's done.  Whatever I said will happen, happens.  And yes, I feel guilty. And I actually hate doing it.  Especially because he generally will then do a mini tantrum.  Run into his room (put himself in time out I guess?! lol), cry, stomp around, come and tell me I'm mean or why I'm wrong or why he wants whatever he wanted, and then it ends.  And we talk about it and we hug and move on.  Did I mention I feel guilty every time?  I do.  I feel like I'm being strict and that he will hate me.  I try to be logical and know that it's helping him.  He needs to learn that there is good and bad, that everything in life won't be his way, that bad behavior or hitting somebody isn't tolerated, etc.   I've found that after a very long day of playing, around 6pm is usually his breaking point.  He gets whiny, and something usually causes a tantrum.  Yesterday, he was playing with the neighbor Devon and Devon suggested a game other than the "Zombies vs whatever" that Hylan wants to play ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  Devon was good, and kept playing with him, he really is a great kid! But eventually he said let's play "whatever" and Hylan walked up to him, pushed him, hit him, and screamed "No." 

I immediately said, "You're done Hylan" and we were going inside.  I had told him already to play nice since he'd already started whining.  So I had my first experience pulling a child from under the outdoor patio table, while he's screaming bloody murder and crying.  It was a good time.  I took him in the house and his little fit lasted about 1 minute.  Then he came out to talk.  We had a nice long talk about hitting as his mom had said he hit her boyfriend too.  I told him he needed to say sorry to Devon next time he saw him.  I explained that people don't like to play with people that hit them.  All that good stuff.  And he's ready to apologize and is hoping Devon will forgive him.  Which I know he will.  (Oh, and did I mention that during all of this, Justin was in the garden, in hearing distance, but didn't once come over!!!  Different story for a different day!  Leaving me to be the "mean" one as I was called!)

But either way, I think this works best.  And the whole point of this writing is actually about what happened when we went to get ice cream.  We were in the place, looking at flavors.  There was a young kid with his gram and mom, and the boy was whining.  There were about 4-5 other people waiting to order.  Then the boy went into a full on fit because of something to do with his ice cream.  This kid was so bad that a few people just walked out.  The staff were just standing there because the mother insisted that her son "use his words" instead of screaming.  This wasn't working.  It was holding up the line and the kid just screamed louder and louder.  And yes, it's probably happened to everybody and one day will happen to me.  But here's the part I don't agree with....and also why I think the child probably acted like a 2 year old when he was clearly 6 or 7...The mother said at least 10 times, "If you don't use your words you won't get ice cream" or "If you don't stop, you won't get ice cream."  This ice cream was already on the counter in front of him.  Apparently the issue was that the cone was also in a cup because it was too soft for a cone only.  He only wanted a cone.  And on and on it went.  The mother never followed up on anything.  The little boy knew he could scream until he got his way.  The gram eventually was scooping the ice cream into the cone to hand him the cone like he wanted.  He still got his ice cream.  And all of this went on while they were paying. 

And we all watched.  Even Hylan noticed it.  And I can promise you, that if that was my child, the ice cream would have gone in the trash (if already made) or cancelled if not.  We would have been out that damn door faster than the speed of light.  And he would not have gotten ice cream, that's a fact.  Does this make me mean?  God, I hope not.  But there probably are people who think that it does.  And that's fine.  I don't want to ever raise children who think screaming gets them anything.  Does anybody?

I just don't get it.  I don't think the kid was bad...the parents were.  Obviously they allow this behavior and will continue to give him whatever he wants, so why should he bother not doing it?  He clearly knows that a tantrum gets him what he wants.  It's quite sad.   And these people probably started off before kids, like me, thinking they'd get it right...so where did it go wrong?!!  I hope it doesn't ever happen to me. 

As usual everybody, thank you for reading!  You can leave me comments and make my day! You can also follow my blog and if so, I believe you get an email when I write something.  I really appreciate the comments I've gotten lately.  So many people were kind and wrote a lot after the last one.  Most were emails, texts, or fb messages.  But you can leave them here too!  Try it out!

Practicing being a mom.....

I'm a practicing mom this week....well sort of.  Hylan is here for a week and since Justin works all day, that means I'm here all day with him.  And to be perfectly honest, I was scared at first.  The fact that I can't drive myself any place bothers me enough when I'm alone, so the thought of having a 4 year old here all day and not being able to go to a park or well, anywhere was pretty damn scary.  But his mom needed a break and since I'm home all day, it was easy for me to help.  I think it's fairly normal for anybody with a 4 year old to want a break sometimes! We have a big yard so there plenty of room for him to play, even if we don't have a ton of toys for him.  I've learned that just running in circles can fascinate him for hours! The rain has put  a little damper on this outdoor play, but it's been clear off and on so he's managed to get out.  We played outside tonight for a while, he helped Justin in the garden last night, and he went fishing last night so it all worked out so far.  And it's not been nearly as stressful as I'd anticipated!  I've found things that he enjoys doing himself, which gives me a little bit of time to do other things...besides answer "how, why, how many,etc." over and over again!

I've learned a lot this week....here are some of the highlights:

1.  A 4 year old can hurt your feelings if you care about him! Here's what happened:  I was going to read him a bedtime story, then told Justin he should come too and we'd take turns.  Once it was my turn to read Hylan started crying, saying he only wanted his dad to read.  And yes, I acted almost as immature as I sulked out of the room...thinking "Well, you better hope you don't want anything to eat tomorrow until your dad gets home tomorrow from work!"  Good job on being the mature one Loriann!
2. A 4 year old can also make you feel great, by saying the most unexpected and sweet things.  Here's a few: The morning after the reading incident, when we woke up he told me I was very pretty and gave me a hug!  Apparently when my hair is sticking in every direction, and my mascara is where my blush should go, I am pretty!  If only I'd learned this years ago!   He also told me today that I made the best chicken in the world and the potatoes and broccoli were great too!  Awww...isn't that sweet! He tells me I'm nice, asks for hugs, snuggles with me, and says thank you everyday!  (He may be ahead of his dad in this category!)
3. Kids eat a lot of freakin' food :  I started putting small amount on his plate...but I think this week he's going through some sort of growth spurt.  He can eat a lot! I give him a good sized plate, about as big as mine, and he eats it all.  And he's great about fruits, vegetables, milk, and all the other shit that he should  eat and drink.  He actually does!  He just eats it constantly.  It shocks me because about an hour and a half after eating he wants a snack! He's actually hungry again.  Where do kids put all this food? I'm not sure, I think it's one of those great mysteries, and the fact that he's growing....either way, I'm just happy he's not one of those picky pain in the ass kids that only eats 4 things! He had chicken tonight that was a tad spicy and although he noticed it, he thought it was good!
4. Ignoring the tantrums really does work!  The tantrums in question, ONLY happen occasionally, and ONLY when Justin is home. I'm not sure exactly why.  Maybe it's that I'm generally the one that makes the rules, and he's used to being with his mom, so he listens better to women? Maybe he's just testing his dad to see what he will do.  Whatever the reason, if he doesn't get his way and he is a little cranky, he will stomp off and pout.  And I let him.  He generally goes into his room and within 2-3 minutes he comes out, all better, and smiling like the great little boy he is.  I make it a point to discuss what happened when he  comes out, why he didn't get what he wanted, and I make him apologize.  And it works!  Did I say that yet???  He gets over it all by himself and carries on with the day!
5. Kids wake up early and any mom who says her kid doesn't watch tv lies!   Ok, I don't know if that second part is actually fact, but I do know that the cartoons that are on in the morning save my life.  I am not a morning person and I don't sleep well at night.  Generally, Justin gets up for work, (waking me 20 times for various things that I don't care to remember), then leaves.  I fall back to sleep for about 20 minutes, then I hear the little foot steps coming and the cute little "I'm hungry." And I get up and so begins the day.  But as I sit there in that awful morning fog, trying to put out something for breakfast that is good for him, will fill him up, and is not too advanced for my morning skill level, he is glued to his cartoons.  And I'm okay with that.  This is how mornings start.  While he eats his breakfast, watching cartoons, I lay on the couch and try to wake up and become a functioning, coherent member of society.  
6. I'm not sure what's worse...Justin or Hylan, but I think Justin is:  Hylan listens to me when I say to take his shoes off outside on the porch so he doesn't track mud in the house.  Justin...not so much.   Hylan listens when I ask him not to run through the house, because socks and hard wood floors equal falls and stitches.  I'd prefer not to go to the ER anytime soon.  Justin thinks it's a great idea that he chases Hylan through the house in those damn socks.  (The yard just aren't big enough apparently!)  Although Justin is quite good at understanding my "What the fuck are you doing? And why are you doing  the opposite of what I tell him all day" look.  So I guess that's good.  Hylan understands quiet time and when it's almost bed time he knows it's time to settle down for bed.  Justin thinks it's a great idea to play monster when he puts him to bed at night.  I sit here, listening to the giggling and screaming from the bedroom.  Honestly, it's really cute.  And I love watching Justin play with him.  And it makes Hylan so happy.  It's not the end of the world that he does the opposite of what I try to get into Hylan's head all day long, but I worry that he will get confused.  And I just know that one day the "Dad lets me" will come out. (At which point Justin will get the phone call where his life is threatened!)
7. Kids are messy...another one that's not a shocker!  Hylan is traumatized by two things..one is his hands being dirty and the other is water in his eyes.  Not even soap....just the water itself is enough to freak him the hell out.  It's amusing when I'm giving him a bath & rinsing his hair. I tell him NOT to touch his eyes as it's just water and will dry.  He continually rubs his hands, that are full of soap, into his eyes.  And now, there is soap in your eyes buddy!!  And the handwashing....my god, this kid wants to wash his hands 100x a day! During his lunch, he stops eating, just to ask if he can wash his hands when he's done!  It cracks me up.  But it's not the worst habit that's for sure! The amount of dirty clothes he's collected in 4 days is shocking!  The amount of stickiness on all things in my house is also shocking! ANd the poops...well, his poops are scary, but if you read my facebook you already know.  And yes, I've gotten better at helping him wipe.  I no longer gag!  I'm considering that a big step in the right direction!
8. It's not easy....although I've never thought it was...but I'm just making it clear again.  He is a great little kid.  But he's a little kid.  And sometimes the constant questions are down right annoying.  Maybe it's because I don't have all the answers? Maybe it's because "Like one million" just annoys me after hearing it as the "amount" for anything?  Who knows.  But it does get old sometimes.  And when Justin gets home, the first thing I want to do is go sit on the porch alone for a little bit before making dinner.  I just don't have the same amount of energy as this boy does, that's for sure!

But really, it's been fun!  My neighbor Misty has been nice and helped me if I am unsure about something, or just need to vent so I don't scream.  And she has a little girl, and tomorrow we are going to the park!  I'm quite excite too. I'm really looking forward to talking to an adult for a little bit!!  

So that's my story so far!  It's been fun, much more than I'd expected.  It's an adjustment, that's for sure, but it's also nice seeing somebody so happy and positive every day!  And don't get me wrong, I have a ton of respect for all you that have multiple kids, jobs, and do this every freakin' day.  I know that I have one big plus going for me, and that is that he is going back to his mom's house in a few days! If it gets really bad, I remind myself of that!

TRYING not to stress out...it's the last thing I need

Where to begin....that's the question.  My mind is racing with a million different thoughts, and one...which is quite serious...is not at the top of the list.  And it probably should be, but right now, we will skip my great fuck up and get into the other things.


Mommy Dearest...
I don't speak to my mother.  I haven't for years.  I'd see her at occasional family holidays, but even then, I wouldn't say much.  To say we are missing that bond is putting it gently.  And I'm not guilty about this.  Honestly, she shouldn't have had a child.  She in no state to be a parent, for numerous reasons.  Growing up for me, "normal" was my mom beating the crap out of me over anything and nothing.  The Red Sox lost a game, nobody would babysit me so she could go to her Bingo games and feed her gambling addiction, she was in a bad mood, somebody upset her, whatever the reason didn't matter....I was her verbal and physical punching bag.  She would spend our money gambling and for a time, I actually believed it was normal thinking and saying "If my mom 'wins' tonight we will get groceries (or I will turn in my money from selling candy, or whatever it was.)"  And that's just the start of it.  All the details of the things she did, allowed people to do to me, or anything like that at this point aren't important.  I lived through it, and it made me who I am.  I'm not ashamed of my past and I just hope that one day, a young kid in my situation will realize that they have options.  They can turn their life into something at least half way decent, if not great.  They can be a good person, and not becoming what they were taught was normal.  Either way, like I said, I don't speak to her.  And I'm fine with it.  Honestly, when people continually bring you down and offer nothing positive, they aren't worth being in your life.  It's that simple.  If I let her in my life, she would continually bring me down and she is not worth that.  
A few years ago, she had a major stroke, and is now in a nursing home.  She has partial paralysis, and is in a wheelchair.  When it first happened, I went to the hospital.  I'm not sure why.  I honestly had to sit and consider going.  I think more of it was that I didn't want my gram to have to go alone, so I went.  The questions were difficult because I didn't know the answers.  Was she on medicine?  Had she not been feeling well? Etc.  I had no idea.  Nobody really did.  She always had some "major ailment" and therefore, nobody ever took her seriously because it was just an attention getter....or an excuse for her to continue to be lazy.  So I haven't been back.  I don't ask about her, because truly, I just need to separate myself so I can live my life. From what I understand, nothing has changed.  She is still mean and miserable to everybody, even if people do go to visit her.  She just bitches or ignores them.  And she's still her violent self, physically and verbally abusing the staff members, and trying to harm every roommate she has, either physically or by continually threatening them and their families. So there are lots of problems.  My gram called and told me she was recently sent to the psych ward at the hospital because she threatened her latest roommate's family, said she'd kill their children, and light their house on fire. Luckily her paralysis & wheelchair won't allow for this, but the point is the problem.  And I feel for the staff and other patients there.  It's so sad they have to live through this when they are either trying to help or ailing themselves. It makes me sick.
It's a lot for my gram to take.  She also has  a life to live.  I honestly, don't know why she even bothers going to see her.  But for whatever reason, she does.  I think she's made friends with staff & other residents and goes to see them.  I don't know.  It's not like she & my mother were ever close before, but it's her decision.  But now I'm trying to step in and figure out what the hell to do. I'm trying to talk to the doctor or social worker and cannot get a call back.  I don't know what they can do, and how this will be handled.  And I can't seem to get answers.  I can understand my gram wanting me to go there because I am probably the one person that has dealt with my mom and her drama the most.  And the one she is least likely to pull her bullshit with because she knows that  I won't take it and I'm not hurt or intimidated by her.  There's nothing she can say or do to me that she hasn't already done.  Honestly, I don't want to go or deal with it at all .  I say just let her stay there and whatever happens, oh well.  It's exactly what she would do to somebody.  But for my gram, I'm going to try to figure out something.  


The Seizures....
This probably couldn't have been happening at a worst time though.  I've been taking seizure medicine for my nocturnal seizures for almost 10 years.  But I haven't had a seizure in over 1 1/2 years and I only take half the dosing I used to.  After numerous tests the past few weeks, my neurologist has suggested that I can stop the medicine.  It's what I wanted for reasons that I'm not going to get into right now....and I'm petrified all of a sudden.  There is no answer as to what will happen.  I may start having them more, or perhaps during the day even.  I may never have one again.  Nobody knows the answer and only time will tell.  For this reason, I cannot drive for at least 30 days, just in case.  Which is fine, except I also can't go to the hospital to deal with mother unless I get a ride, and it's not like I have a lot of friends out here in no man's land. Plus, I need to get a job and not driving makes it hard. But we will survive.  It's what I do, and Justin is incredibly supportive, as are my friends and you who read this.  I know that stress and lack of sleep are two of the biggest triggers, so as I sit here.....the first night I don't have to take my medicine before bed, I'm worried.  I've missed dosing before and I know that I'm just freakin' myself out, but it's scary to me.  But I'm going to do it.  And I'm going to hope that everything works out well!


So here I sit...writing...clearing my head....trying not to stress out, and right now with the mom situation, finals, not being able to drive, and my other fuck up....it's hard to not stress. But what good does stressing get anybody?  So it's all deep breaths for this girl....for a while.  And I will sit and hope for the best!  And I will also thank you for reading this....letting me get it all out.
Wish me luck!

Not So Extreme Couponing....

In a rare situation, where I had the remote, and Justin was complacent enough to not fight me for it, I watched Extreme Couponing.  As usual with any program I watch,  he first bitched about how dumb it was while rolling his eyes like the drama queen he can be when he has to watch anything I want to watch.  (Or when he can't change between 7 channels during every commercial.) Have you ever seen a man in work boots, with rough hands blackened from working with oil, acting like a diva?? It's quite funny!

After a while, he started seeing the people saving money and he got interested in the show.   You have to understand that Justin has an odd relationship with money.  He will go into Wal-Mart and spend $300 without blinking an eye.  Yet at the grocery store, we seriously fight, every time.  It always turns into a fight about how much we spent and how we cannot afford to do this.  (But we can afford to buy fishing gear, random paint/primers, etc for "projects" that will never even get started nevermind finished, at Wal-Mart or even worse, a store with tools)  There's really no logic.  The cost of food just disturbs him and gets him all angry and upset.  Again, some things it doesn't cross his mind to waste money on, yet other things get him all fired up.  And he's like an old man when it comes to savings, really cheap items, sales, or heaven forbid....something free.  (It's disturbing and I've pretended to not know him during these times in public.)

Anyway, after watching the show, he decides that I am now in charge of getting coupons and getting all our groceries for free.  (Me, really??!! I'm so lucky!)

  I explain to him  a few key issues he's missing from watching the show:

1. 1.     The coupon policies are different in every state and every store
2. 2.     I have a fucking life and don't want to pick through garbage  bags on Sunday mornings to find thrown away coupons
3. 3.     We don't have the cabinet space for the food we actually need, never mind a stockpile.
4. 4.     These people never have full meals in their carts.  Or things to make full meals.  Yay.  50 jars of mustard, 42 tubes of toothpaste, 23 boxes of oatmeal, and 67 jars of pickles!  Dinner will be awesome this week!  Look at all the options!  Call me crazy, but I like meat or vegetables thrown in with my mustard/toothpaste/oatmeal mix.

After he nags a bit longer, I buy a paper one Sunday, look through the coupons versus what's on sale and what we actually BUY AND USE, and find 2 coupons that will be useful.  We are buying a mansion with these savings, I can feel it! 

Don't get me wrong, I understand that you can save money.  I know that you don't have to devote your entire life to it, and any extra money does help.  But I will not go to that extreme and I also know that we will not be getting money back from the grocery store every time we go there.

He whines a bit about how they do it on tv, and blah blah blah.  Then, he decides to be a bit more reasonable, and says I have to save $100/week with coupons. I tell him he's being unreasonable, but really I don't care because I'm ignoring him for the most part.  He does have a slight point when he mentions that since I don't actually work, I have time to do this and I should.  Blah blah blah....fine.  I'll do it "soon."

That was over 3 months ago. 

He still brings up the issue occasionally, and I still swear I will look into 'this week.'  Finally, I decide that if I had a wireless printer, I could easily look for coupons and print them while being parked on my cozy couch.  So off I go to buy a new printer.  It's a jazzy little combo with scan/fax/copy and wireless!  Woo Hoo.  And I had a $50 rebate from buying my computer, so I only spent about $30 buying my very needed printer.  Obviously, when he came home, he didn't appreciate the printer nearly enough and he told me I was to "return that thing immediately."  I knew this would happen (and hello I bought it with MY MONEY!), so I had planned ahead.  I hooked it all up, and wandered the internet looking for coupons for products that we actually buy.  I had found a good amount, so after he got over his rant, I showed him all the 'money' I found and how this printer was really the reason.  He eventually got over the printer, and that was that.

I was so proud of my coupon findings that I picked up the Price Chopper ad that we'd had kickin' around for a few days and started matching up coupons with what was on sale.  I made a neat little list (I love making lists!) and marked which I had coupons for so I'd be "orgnized."  I then begged, pleaded, nagged, and pretty much forced Justin to come to Price Chopper immediately so we could go save! This was last Friday. 

I wait forever to get a Price Chopper "card" due to one of those god awful "lottery ladies" holding up everything.  My first "buy" was coke 12 packs, 4 for $11 with the coupon I had from the  ad.  But it said, "3/$12."  I just thought I read it wrong and carried on.  I found a few more things that were "on sale" but not marked.  It was around aisle 7 when I realized my error.  The flyer started the next day.  OOPS.  Worse than that was that I had to now tell Justin this....he does not take it well as I forced him to the store because I was 'nervous about couponing for the first time and it was HIS idea!"  (Yes, I used that in my appeal to get him to come.)

So that didn't end well.  Luckily they had some things that overlapped, so we got a few savings.  A very few.  Like $3.50.  Woo Hoo.

But I check my coupons now.  I have a pretty good idea of what I have in my little coupon purse, so when making a list, I know if I can save extra money.  I went back today.  I never go alone, because as I mentioned, the grocery prices cause anger from Justin and when I go alone, I get 20 questions over everything I bought and how I spent so much.  Plus, I get distracted easily in the grocery store and seem to think I'm Betty Crocker and am going to cook amazing home cooked food 3 meals a day.  I tend to buy things "you should have" just in case....cooking wine, heavy cream, chicken stock, baking powder being examples.  (In my defense, I have a used few of these things once!)

I decided to go alone and before Justin left for work I tell him about my plan.  He gives me an $80 budget.  I explain that we haven't been "real" grocery shopping in quite some time.  (And I spend $80 going to buy a few quick things!)  He ups my 'allowance' to $140, then tops off at $160.  I'm happy with that.  I can do that.  Or I can try like hell.  I have coupons dammit! I have a list that I will not stray from.  I know what's on sale! As I leave the house I grab $300 extra...just in case.

And away I go...I get a bit confused...I mean, the store brand is technically cheaper, even with the coupon usually and that's what I usually buy.  So now what?  I decide to buy name brand stuff, with my coupon.  Some items are on sale and I have a coupon.  I'm so proud.  I double check my coupons throughout the stores, making sure I got the right size and quantities.  I'm awesome!  Then I get confused again because I can't do math....but we eat yogurt.  A lot of it.  And only Yoplait,  except when Justin gets that greek shit.  Yoplait is on sale and I have a coupon for it.  Two actually!  One is for .40 off 6, one is for .50 off 8.    Hmm...which is better?  Common sense to most people, but I'm not sure, and I wonder if they may be equal?  I do the obvious thing, and text Michelle because she can do math and she explains.  All is good.  But I end up buying 8 yogurts, so there is a week's worth and use that one anyway.  Anyhoo...it's a learning process for me.

Off to the checkout I go.  My coupons are out, my little card is ready, and away we go.  I watch and get a little antsy over the ever rising total.  Then I hand in my coupons, and my card.  And poof....the total is $151.81!  I'M BELOW MY BUDGET AT THE GROCERY STORE!!!!!!!  Justin will be so proud!  I saved almost $30 with my coupons and card and got .40 off each gallon of gas.  (I think this is good for my first time...and buying only things we actually USE AND NEED!)

I was so excited.  I texted Justin right away to share my great news.  An hour passes and I don't hear from him.  I call to ask why he didn't respond.  He hadn't looked at his phone.  So I explain it all to him....what I bought, how my coupon worked, what it was on sale for, etc.  He's driving, so I know he can listen.  He says good job!  I tell him that if I did so good he should bring me a bottle of Patron home as a present.  (Thus defeating the savings, but oh well....we'd have gotten it anyway, so it's a wash)

Halfway through my savings story, I'm cut off....

"I have to go honey, I'm driving.  I will talk to you later.  Love you."

Click.

And that's all I got.  He said he was proud, got bored of listening to the fact that I, ME, LORIANN, did what somebody told her to do.   And he hung up.

Ungrateful is what I would say....jerk!  I'm burning all my coupons!!!!!!  See what he says next time!

This really happened! Ugh...some people!

Conveinence stores...ahhh...sometimes the name is a blatant lie.  


I run a few errands today, nothing big, as I really wasn't in the mood to be out.  But I did want a new book & an iced coffee, so off to the library I went.  On a side note, I got Chelsea Handler's "Bang Bang."  I've only read 2 chapters, but so far it's hysterical.  Being that "Are you there Vodka, it's me Chelsea" was so good, I think this will be too.  But back to the point.  I run into the Mobile/McDonald's combo on the way home.  McDonald's went fairly well.  Except watching the manager, with his "food prep" gloves on, opening a door, walking into the "dining area" to call more staff over....then going back to making food with the same gloves on.  Eww.  But that's a different issue, for a different day.  Lucky for me, I only get their iced coffee.  Which is damn good if I might say so myself!
Off to grab cigarettes I go....in & out.  Or so I thought.  Below is what happened, while I'm in line, right behind this woman, and I swear on my life, this is really how it went down.  I wish I could have made this shit up!:


Clueless Woman (CW from here on out):  
"How do I pay for gas with this??"  (She's holding a speedpass)


Clueless Cashier (CC from her on out):
 "You can pay at the pump with it."


CW:
 "Yes but how?"


CC:
 "Umm, I'm not really sure, I mean, I've never used it."  (Note, he's a young kid, and I highly doubt he has a credit card yet...it's not like he posesses it, like clueless woman!  But he does work there.)


CW: 
 "Well, what do I do? How do I do it?" 


CC: 
 "There should be instructions on there, or I can do it here for you."


At this point, the line is now 6 people deep, and I'm about to pump this ladies gas for her. She is not at all grasping the concept and everybody in line is annoyed with her stupidity.  I do not have a speedpass, but I have pumped gas and there are very clear and simple instructions, so I know how to do it.  I can't keep my mouth shut any longer.


Me:
 "Just hold it up to the pegasus and it will light up, when it lights up, you are ready to pump your gas.  There are also instructions on it."


CW:
 "Yes, but it's says "Please pay inside first."


Me: 
(mentally: don't kill her, don't kill her!)  "It says that because if you are paying cash, you have to pay inside first.  You are using your speedpass (which she refers to as 'this thing'), which is just like using a credit card, therefore, you don't have to pay inside because you are paying first.  You are just doing it with credit.


CW:
" But I want to use "this thing," and waves it up, like I don't know what she's talking about.


Random guy behind me:
 "Miss, she's right, just hold it up.  It's very easy.  She's right, try it."  (We are all going to kill her)


The woman is still staring at us, clearly clueless, as though we don't know what we are dong!


CC:
"I can use that here, and you can pay first if you'd like."


CW:
"But I want to use "this thing"


CC:
"You can.  Just tell me how much you want to put in"


CW:
"I don't know.  I want to fill it."


CC:
"Well you need to tell me an amount."


CW:
"Fine, just $20 I guess.  I think that will fill it."  (Apparently she doesn't know gas prices, or just doesn't need any gas and wanted to waste everybody's time for the fuck of it.)


CC:
"What pump are you on?"


CW:
"I don't know." (And she has this look on her face like this is an absurd question)


CC (after figuring it out):
"Just swipe the speedpass over the spot on the credit card machine."


CW:
"But I want to use this thing!!!"


CC:
"You are, and you can.  Just swipe it over until it lights up."  (She starts waving her speedpass over the screen on the credit card machine, which obviously isn't doing anything.)


Me:
"Miss, right here (and I show her), see the pegasus, we will wave it over."  Somehow, I did this without strangling her, because as you probably know, I'm not patient at all and I was really ready to kill her!


Woo Hoo.  It lights up!  And it's paid.  


And 10 minutes of my day (and numerous other people's) day are wasted!  
After she walks out, the rest of us collectively sigh, and all begin discussing this.  It seems that she was the only one that was clueless, as everybody else easily understood how these worked, even if they didn't have one.  What the hell lady?!!!!  I just hope next time she goes out in public, her life coach is with her!

Let's go ride a bike....

Justin has a bike and it made me think of biking myself.  It's funny, I haven't rode a bike in many, many years.  I used to like it and have tried it previously, but it hurts my knees...A lot.  Perhaps it's simply that I don't do it enough and it's a new strain.  That makes sense.  But I'm not sure if that's fully it because my knees are sort of fucked up anyway.  Sometimes they will hurt for weeks at a time.  They hurt to bend or fully straighten.  I think it's due to the arthritis that is so rampant in my family. 
(Some families pass heirlooms, mine passes arthritis....don't judge!)
But either way, being that I live out in Charlton now, and there are numerous places to ride a bike, I started looking for one.  I obviously was looking for a used bike as I'm not exactly sure that this idea will work out.  It may really hurt my knees too much.  Or it may bore me.  Whatever, you know how new "exercise" routines go.  It happens to everybody. The idea sounds great, but acting on the idea isn't always as easy.
I had looked at Craigslist and found a few options.  I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, and some of the sizing confused me.  I only knew that I wanted a very affordable bike to TRY my hobby with.  My goal was not to get the greatest or best because for all I know it could become a lawn ornament.    Oh yes, and it needed to be a mountain bike.  The dirt roads surrounding my house are a good place to start, and there is a trail through the woods starting in my backyard, so a mountain bike would be best.  Justin was telling me I should make sure it had shocks, and blah blah blah.  I wasn't too concerned.
Either way, I decided to post it on facebook, in case anybody had anything kicking around they weren't using and were looking to sell in my (very low) price range.  I was quite excited when my friend Brian, who owns the ever delicious BT's Smokehouse, said he had one that I could HAVE for FREE.  We discussed it, and although it's not a 'girls' bike, he said it would fit me.  The only issue he noted was that it needed a "sprocket."  Obviously, I didn't know what that was, but the next day I went to his house and picked up my new (to me) bike.  I wasn't really expecting much as it was free and all.  But it's quite nice and I was impressed.  I think Justin is jealous because he thinks it's cooler than his, which it is!  And as for it being a 'boys' bike....I've never quite understood the difference, except that little bar that usually slopes low on a girl bike and straight on a boys bike.  On this bike, it is at a slight slope?  Maybe that means unisex, bisexual?  Who knows.  Either way, it fits me nicely and I like it.  We found out about the part it needed, and I was very pleased to find that it was only $20, installed!  So now I have my new (to me) bike, all fixed up and working.  I took it up and down the dirt roads and down the trail a few times and it went well.  I enjoyed it and although it hurt my knees a bit, it wasn't bad.  I'm excited and actually looking forward to going on bike rides.  I want to start slow.  Maybe around the neighborhood on these little side roads or down the trails.  AFter that, I will move up to a bike path of some sort.  I like those "rail trails" that are everywhere now.  The idea of riding it on the actual roads scares me.  First because I'm not incredibly comfortable with it yet, and second because these roads are all so damn narrow and windy.  Around here, you always see people walking, biking, or running on the roads.  It freaks me out while I"m driving because when you come around a corner, and someone is there, you really better hope nobody is coming the other way.  There's not enough room for all of that traffic on these narrow roads!
So here's to me re-learning to ride a bike.  And hopefully enjoying it! 
And a special thank you to Brian for giving me a cool bike, out of the kindness of his heart.  And for feeding me the kinds of meat that ensure I need to exercise to get the damn fat to go away!  If you are ever in the Sturbridge area, I'd highly recommend you go to BT's and try it.  But call me first, I want to go too!!!!

The damn garden

The damn Garden......

Since most of you haven't been to my house, I will give you a quick background.  The couple that lived here for their entire lives were very into their yard and their gardens.  We have tons of land, and looking out over the patio, you can clearly see 7 large gardening plots.  Obviously, these are quite overgrown, but they are huge, like BIG, squares in the middle of the field and it seems they go on forever.  I don't know what he grew, but I 'm fairly certain it was enough for the town.  There is also another large plot at the top of the field, and gazillions of planters everywhere.  After clearing all the leaves from the property, we found that there are plants and flowers growing everywhere!  It's insane!  This man must have spent all day, everyday gardening.  And clearly, he was good at it because they are still growing strong, without any help from us.  We even have scallions already!  Now that we know they are there, we've been caring for them, and also have opted to plant a few flowers ourselves......in what few spots we could find that didn't already have things growing!  Or I decided to plant some flowers....Justin said he'd help, but he has since decided that he doesn't care about my flowers and only the vegetables matter.  Either way, the yard is starting to look pretty and I'm excited to see what it will look like once everything is in full bloom.  I'm not excited to see what this will do to my allergies, but that's another issue.

But onto the garden.....

Justin really wanted a garden.  He was so damn excited of all the things we will grow and I'm fairly sure that deep in his head he has a vision of a farm and us living off our land and the animals we have.  (Note that this will NEVER happen, but he can have a fantasy!)  I've never grown anything in my life and I've actually killed a cactus, so this wasn't something I was incredibly excited about, but I went along with it.

 You may think that since this is our first garden, we'd start small, since that would be the logical thing.  You may also think that since there are only two of us, we really don't need a massive garden.  If you think these things, you are like me.  Logical.  But that's not what's happening here.  Justin has this "go big or go home" thing going on in his head and he cannot walk by a damn seed display without questioning if we already have it, and if not, buying some seeds.  Even when I say we already have the vegetable in question, his new habit is to buy more anyway, because clearly we need a FARM, not just your average everyday garden. 

So we started off with seeds.  I was assigned the task of planting them in their mini pots to get them started.  It begin with just a few little planters, sitting on our sun porch.  Then we got that nice hot spell....and they began sprouting.  This led to elation on Justin's part.  Once he saw even the smallest bit of success, he went crazy.  We now have gazillions of mini pots with mini seeds, sprouting away.  Being that we have a large, sunny patio, they are now lined on the edges, all around the patio, peacefully basking in the sun all day and growing along nicely.  

But he's insane.  Have I mentioned that??  He insists on moving the mini pots 3x per day.  (Or  I should say, he insists that I do this every day while he is at work or otherwise not here to do them!) They must always be directly in the sun's rays.  It is not okay if there are in the sun, but the sun is not directly beating on them.  98% sunlight is not good enough for these babies.  

And boy do we have things growing.  I didn't expect them to be so successful, so some of these mini planters had a few seeds in them.  FAIL.  I've been scolded that they are going to choke each other.  He has tried to replant every single seed so it's alone, while telling me that I should have known that fact.  (Umm...hello, I said I had NO IDEA what I was doing and I did what you told me to do when I asked how dammit!)  But anyway, he waters them daily and I'm sure he has conversation with them.  Some have names too.  (I wish I was joking!) He checks the temperature for the evenings and if it's going to get too chilly, then ALL get brought inside.  Some nights he decides this around 1am, and off he goes. Then I get the joy of putting them all back outside in the morning.  In the exact spot for their morning sunbathing.  Until it's time to move them.  Then move them again.  I've tried explaining that when they are in the ground, they are not going to be moved every time the sun moves, but it's pointless.

And about the ground they are going in....yea....well, the leaves and twigs are gone.  But that's about it.  When exactly will the "garden" be ready for the plants I wonder?  (Hopefully, for the sake of the plants, it will be quicker than the building of my bookcase......he bought the wood 3 months ago!)

But I can tell you this....we are going to have a freakin' farmers market at our house all summer, so please, come over and bring a bag!  We have so many damn tomato plants it's scary, especially since I don't even eat them and I worry he will turn into a tomato after this summer.

Either way, it keeps him happy.  I even got him a book from the library to answer his questions since he continually asks me things....even though I have made it clear that I know nothing about gardens!  He won't look at the book though, apparently, once you get sprouts you are a master gardener and don't need a book.  Hmmmm....we will see how that all works out!

So here's to the garden.  The obnoxiously large garden.  And for aiming high!  Go garden go!