Saturday, March 17, 2012

Why Women Kill...

I've been thinking about the topic of why women kill far too frequently lately, and I think I've figured out.  And note that by kill I mean kill the men they sleep next to every night. 

Here's what I've's all because of lack of sleep.

Here's what happens to me every night... I will leave out the porn star sexscapades because well, they don't happen...not during the week at least :-)

Climb into bed. Try to get comfortable.  Note I say try because I have the boy on one side, arms all wrapped around me so I can barely move, and usually an arm under my head....but you know, he's comfortable.  And being that I'm the "great housewife" I should make sure the working man is comfortable.  Then on the other side is usually the overweight kitty Sunshine.  She takes up at least 1/3 of the bed and I am now sandwiched between the boy and the fat cat. Vienna is usually sweet enough that she just sleeps down near my feet. 

Once I get to the point where I may be comfortable enough to sleep it begins.  The root of all my homicidal urges.  The snoring.  Oh my god the boy can snore! And I must add that Sunshine snores too, luckily much quieter, but still.  It's like a back and forth dance between the two.  

I start doing the kicking thing.  "Honey, you are snoring so loud, please stop, change positions or something" I try to say kindly while kicking him.  Usually, I don't get a response, if I do, it's 'I love you too honey."  I DIDN'T SAY I LOVE YOU...I SAID I'M ABOUT TO KILL YOU.  

Sometimes, I get very annoyed and do the full body push....MOVE, STOP, ROLLOVER, SOMETHING!!!!  JUST STOP FUCKING SNORING SO DAMN LOUD IN MY EAR!!  
Last night, I took my bum and fully pushed him...HARD...and he woke up.  I'm thinking, this is great, he will wake up and I will be able to fall asleep.  NOPE.  He actually said, "Oooh, honey, you horny?!"  

WHAT?!!!! Do you not know the difference between I'm going to fucking kill you and "let's get it on?"

And it continues...I put pillows over his head.  I try like hell not to sit on them so he suffocates.  I try to move him.  I beg & plead.  Then I say fuck it...onto the narcotics.  Ok, not narcotics, but Tylenol PM.  It's the only freakin' way I can fall asleep!

In the morning, I try to discuss this.  He tells me he broke his nose before and that's why he snores.  

So ladies, my advice....ask a guy if he has had a broken nose before dating him.  

But back to the point...this is why women kill.  They are over-tired, stressed from lack of sleep, and walking around in this fog all day and night because they can't fucking sleep because you snore so loud!

The man comes home and forgot to grab some bread at the store, or whatever small favor you asked.  IT's not a big deal to most people....but the overtired lady...this sets her off.  She takes out the large knife.  The really cool one that you bought her.  It's pretty.  It's pink.  It's ceramic and goes through anything.  And soon, you find the knife going through you...repeatedly....

Ok, so I sound like a psychopath. I'm tired. My neck is sore.  He's all awake and chipper.  He can't understand why I won't run around and do whatever pointless task he wants me to do. I have no intention of killing him.  I do intend to buy breath rite strips.  I will try those first.  If that doesn't work, I don't know....that pretty pink knife may come out.

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